Mixed Results

Alrighty, it's been about two weeks since my last entry. Going a little crazy to tell you the truth. There's only so much schoolwork and such you can do. Guess the thought just hit me that I could work on some art. Just lacking the 'vibe.' My moods severely influence my art/ability. I'm bored enough to be a prodigy right now though, lol. I have some new books I need to read, in one case finish. I just don't want to. In all honesty, I believe I am becoming depressed. I do not know the signs, frankly, I do not care. I do not care to read on any more medical conditions. Mine is freaking scary enough to send me over the deep end.

Here, some light reading:

http://www.starcolorado.com/about_crps.htm

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy/detail_reflex_sympathetic_dystrophy.htm

Those are basic sites, further reading/research, I would not advise. Get into some scary crap and ideas for treatment. Not to mention you find out most treatment is controversial. Here are the symptoms common to CRPS:

• "burning" pain

• increased skin sensitivity

• changes in skin temperature: warmer or cooler compared to the opposite extremity

• changes in skin color: often blotchy, purple, pale, or red

• changes in skin texture: shiny and thin, and sometimes excessively sweaty

• changes in nail and hair growth patterns

• swelling and stiffness in affected joints

• motor disability, with decreased ability to move the affected body part

Out of this list, in three weeks, I have all the highlighted symptoms. The difference between the orange and blue? Is there any? Yes. The difference is, the yellow is what I started with, the blue is as of last Thursday. The blue-highlighted symptoms seem to go together, and right now, they come in spurts, usually following a dull ache through my arm. Typically these spurts last a few hours. I do have sensitivity all the time down on/around my scar. So, according to my observations, we are still progressing.

I let my doctors be aware of all this on Friday when I realized that on Thursday I wasn't going crazy. They are not liking things, but they are still hopeful...guess we need to be right? lol.

Guess there is also a slight psychological effect of this whole thing on me. Case in point, I got tired of the ache, it turned to a nipping pain, centralized, but shoot it hurt and I was sick of it after just a few minutes, so I hit the bolus on my pump (something that scares me to do, I have no idea why..), anyway, the bolus allows one extra mL to be administered every hour...like I mentioned above, I have no reason that it should frighten me, but it does, I have a mini anxiety attack until it stops pumping through the extra mL. Maybe it's because I can feel it, idk, but it greatly, and in all honesty, freaks me out. Also, it apparently does not help...sensation is there, just dulled. ugh.

Just something to run by John tomorrow. He's got to be sick of me by now, lol. He says he doesn't mind and says I'm doing what I should be and everything always checks out. Sometimes it's nice to have someone double check everything, brings me a sense of relief.

Oh, and it doesn't help my car tried to kill me this morning. Got my catheter line caught on the seat adjustment lever on the bottom of my seat...went to get out and about ripped the darn thing out of my neck. After a slight heart attack, a moment of "dang that stung", and damage assessment, I realized I was fine and the only reason it hurt was it pulled some of the tape from my skin. Easy fix. But I mentally flip out whenever stuff like that happens.

And I slept in a crazy position on Saturday, so woke up very sore. Was alright with it till I was describing to Wes why I was hurting, I assured him it was because I slept wrong, then he piped back "how can you be sure? It's on the side with the catheter tunneled under your skin." Then I mentally became all "you know, I really don't know.....what if I messed something up...they said it was almost impossible to move it....but what if.." yeah, those wheels are still turning. I wont lie, I'm a mess. I make no attempt to hide it or deny it.

And, I do not know if it was in a joking manner, or serious, but suggesting I just allow more of my arm to be taken is not settling good with me. More than one person has said it to me. Each one "oh if that's what's causing it, why don't you just amputate further?" Not that simple, it's not your arm. I rely heavily on my arm for a lot of tasks still. I use it as much as I did before. To take more of my arm, would frustrate the hell out of me and render it virtually useless to me. Took me enough time to adapt to not having a hand. Mentally, this option also proves very detrimental. I would do everything in my power and try everything before I even considered it as a possibility. Also, another strong point in this argument is that it wouldn't actually solve anything. Nerve damage would still be there to progress CRPS. Anyway, the thought bothers me, so on to another subject.

Ummm...lets pick something not depressing or gloomy....

For Spring Break, I will be going up to North Dakota to visit Wes and get away from everything for a bit. We'll spend a night at the house, go to church with his mom and stepdad and I'll get to meet Pastor Gregg, his wife, and their daughters finally. After that, think we'll hang out with everyone for a little bit. From there, we're thinking of going to Butte to see his brother and sister-in-law. Might spend some time in Billings before then. Then the plan is to all go to Yellowstone, if it's open, that or spend some time in Jackson Hole, WY. Been dying to go see Jackson Hole, my parents went their on their honeymoon, and it seems like everyone I've met has been there. It looks and sounds amazing from pictures I've seen and stories I've heard. Be good to just go and relax. I can't do too much physically, since I cannot get the catheter wet, nor can I get dirty (takes all the fun out of the possibilities for this trip). But I know there will be other times. I'm really just looking forward to seeing Wes and getting to spend time with him. Lord knows I've wanted him to be here the last few weeks, guess it verges on needed. It's killed him being so far away, I know he'd be down here in a heartbeat if I told him I needed him to be, or asked him to.

Anyway, I'd best get back to doing my schoolwork so I don't have to try to rush it all tomorrow.

Courtney