A Living Hell

It's been a while since I've been on here. I cannot believe some of what has happened since my last post.

Wes and I ended up having a small ceremony at the justice of the peace with just close family back on December 19, 2011.

We have a larger celebration in the works for December 15, 2012. Afterward, he, my brother- and sister-in-law, and I went on a cruise to the Bahamas for a week. That was definitely interesting, and oh the stories I could tell. lol.

School started back up and Wes returned to work. Everything was in place to have me caught up by the end of the summer.

Only things changed rapidly.

Last week, I had an extreme reoccurrence of intense nerve pain through my arm, completely different from times before, and so much worse.

My pain meds made matters worse, and two days in, I called my doctor for help. I was needing to be seen pretty quickly on Thursday, they did not like at all what I was describing. To make matters worse, the alternator on my car went out and had to be replaced, my only day to do it being Thursday. I was out of luck, but able to make it up later in the afternoon after helping work on my car...not so much in the plans apparently. Due to concern, everyone kinda went crazy and ushered me to the doctors. My bosses ended up taking me and waiting with me 3 hours to see my doctor.

I was checked for fractures and other signs of physical harm, but nothing was present. The verdict was that I needed a nerve block and quickly. The whole idea of the procedure scared me very badly, but with everyone there and the only other option at the time being to go back on narcotics, as scared as I was, I decided to try it.

The next day, I met with my anesthesiologist and had the entire thing laid out. What I had presenting was complex nerve syndrome, not very common, and little understood. The treatment, this nerve block, came with no guarantees. It is trial and error, and I am largely in control of it's success. In order to succeed, communication with my team of doctors and pain specialists and acuteness with working the nerve pump is vital. If this does not work, another option is a direct injection of a block into the nerve, if successful several times, the nerve would be destroyed...which has it's own little sets of consequences. If that does not work, the outlook is grim.

So I opted to continue on with the course of action of this nerve block...something that completely terrified me, and still does. The process was simple. Feed a catheter to the nerve bundle associated with my pain and administer a dose of nerve block throughout the day. My problem with this...the spot that is needed for this, happens to be in my neck. Somehow, I thought that this would be relatively easy to do, I was nervous about them putting something in my neck, but around 8:30 Friday morning, I became very nervous, I was told not to eat or drink anything from that moment on...which could only mean, I was going to need to be put under. Turns out I was right. Wooo. not so much. So there I was, back in the same hospital, on the same floor the worst 6 hours of my life had ever occurred, waiting to be put under, not knowing what in the world was going on, and once again, alone. I found out an hour before I was going to have to go under, and that I would be unable to drive, not the picture I was told the night before. I had no one with me. Once again, the ones I wanted and needed there, were hours away. Chris and Joss had offered to come up, but I had told them it'd be quick and there was no need.

I think what also made it nerve wracking was that no one seemed to have a clue what was going on with my case. At least I wasn't the only one I guess.

My doctor is great, I ended up getting to see all the people I vaguely remember meeting a year and a half ago. I'm working hand in hand with my original team now, which, in all honesty, is pretty awesome. They are a great group of people.

But on the flipside of this awesomeness was the fact that when they put the IV in, I had a severe anxiety attack, to the point they delayed starting work on me for about 45 min. After it subsided, they came in and began working, I was told I'd feel a little woozy, I blacked out a few seconds later, and woke up 20 min later very dazed and confused. My arm was numb and I had no control of it at all and my neck hurt like crazy, I couldn't move it hardly at all. So now I have this catheter in me. It hurts like hell somewhat. On the other hand, I have no nerve pain...in my arm. Guess it's good. So with all this is going on, my life took a turn south. I'm having to drop my full-time status down, dropping a class. I cannot work, or do anything really, until the catheter is out. So foaling season is pretty much scratched, work for possibly 3 months is scratched.

So all this is going on, I'm still terrified of the thing in my neck, and then the low blow was dealt.

My horses were taken back home, "to help prevent infection." Which came as a shock seeing as how they are my escape and help to ease my mind and stress. They help me cope. With that verdict, no matter how 'short' a separation I have been promised, my world and spirit have been crushed. I really do not care anymore. I know it was with my best intentions at heart, but I still feel slightly betrayed. I am not angry with anyone, but I find it really hard to want to do this. Then again, it's probably for the better, shit, I can barely take care of myself.

Life is just perfect. I'm finding my prayers are largely unanswered and I get no sense of comfort when I pray, I think this also is also why I am having difficulty with all this. It feels as though God Himself has turned away from me. I don't even know what I've done. I do have the support of my family and friends, if I didn't, I'd be completely lost. It's got to get better from here. Everything happens for a reason....