The Itch

This past week all I've wanted to do is ride. It's been an insatiable, nagging desire in my heart that makes everything else pale in comparison.

Since the recurrence of my CRPS full swing, it's the only thing that seems to take the edge off.

Just some good ol' time spent with my boy. He makes my heart sing and my soul solar, he is my wings when I'm feeling broken. I'm not sure he exactly understands, but I think he knows I'm broken, in more ways than one, but his gentle soul looks after me, and he's always taking care of me.

Pondering things in church today as this flare keeps me awake and shaking, I can't seem to regulate temperature sometimes, but my mind wanders. As we were in our time of prayer, I turned my focus from praise of God's unfailing goodness and love for me, to praying for my family and the things they have going on. I know my needs are met, it's been promised, and I hold fast to that promise, the prayer has already been answered, and He will not fail.

As I began to pray, one of the ladies, a powerful prayer warrior with a heart after God gave a word laid on her heart, and I really think it was meant for me.

"The Lord wants you to know that you have been struggling for a while, and you are growing weary. He wants you to know that He sees, that you are not alone, and He walks with you. He also knows you've been praying for family, but don't feel like your prayers are being heard, but He hears then and wants to give you hope and encouragement that it will be done, and that He is greater than anything they face."

I know I didn't get the verbiage correct 100%, but the gist of it is there. It hit me like a freight train. I wept. I couldn't contain it. For the first time in a long time, I feel that the Lord was speaking to me, to bolster my spirits that are slowly fading. The pain. Most days I don't know what to do with myself. Not really able to talk to anyone about it, as it makes them feel helpless and terrible. Which makes me feel awful.

But not talking about it, that's maddening.

It stays bottled inside, festering like a splinter, nagging at you, eating away at your resolve, unable to get away from it. It's maddening. Sometimes I wonder if I have the strength to make it through the day. Sometimes I lay, willing myself to get up, but dreading the struggle. Just this awful pain! I know in my heart that the Lord is greater, that He is stronger. He is a mighty healer and unfailing in love and mercy. I think back to Job and the trials he endured, and I remember that there was not a thing Satan threw at him that God was not allowing and watching, always with him.

I feel like Job at the moment, but hold to the promise that God is working all things for my good. God has healed me once, and I believe in the power of that healing and hold to the promise He gave me, for He is good. I know He sees, I know He hears, and I know He won't forget me, I know He loves me. He places us in specific moments and trails to get us where we're supposed to be, so for now, I preserve and push onwards, trusting in His promise.

I cannot wait to go ride. The Lord knows my heart and blessed me with the ability to ride and have a faithful friend. He blessed me with an incredible horse who is beyond my dreams. I never thought I'd love another horse as I did my Sonni and Kona, but Blue lives up to them pretty well. I often miss them, but know I will see them on the other side of this life in all their glory of youthfulness. And that makes me rejoice.

So many things to do, but tomorrow I think I'm going to have to scratch that itch and escape momentarily from the pain that clouds my every thought and every moment and spend some time with my Blue pony.

God is good.

Always good.

And his mercies abound and are new each morning. Praise the Lord for He is good. Until next time