Amazing Love

There are points in your life, moments in time, that are forever stamped in your memory. There's no rhyme or reason to these moments or for when they occur, but they do. I want to share something I have not before: There is no worse feeling than being alone.

To most, this feeling is baseless as there is always someone, somewhere there for you, just at that moment and time you cannot see it for what it truly is. But in the rare instance when you truly are alone...there're no words to describe it. And that's where I found myself as I was loaded into the ambulance and the door was sealed.

Sure, the EMT was with me, but I was so much more alone than I could've ever imagined, I felt numb. I knew the severity of what was happening, I had an idea of statistics, I was amazed I was still 'okay.' But above all I was alone. As soon as those doors shut, the realization hit me that I had no one. The heroes in my life who always came to the rescue and always were there for me were 2-4 hours away.

There's no worse feeling than wishing you'll get the chance to see your family again.

Combine that with being alone, and you have a complete nightmare. I was kinda in a haze at that point in time, I think the shock of it all was settling in. I wanted to relax, but wouldn't let myself, I kept adding 'stages' to when I would finally be able to. I realized the ambulance did not guarantee anything.

There's a lot about that ambulance ride I remember, most of it is blurred together. One part remains very vivid and clear.

I remember laying there as the realization was settling in that no one would be there for several hours yet and feeling that numbness settle in. But when it was just about to the point of being unbearable, I remembered that I was not alone. I never was.

For there has never been a day when I was ever truly alone.

I had God. I remember praying. I opened my heart more than I think I ever have and the prayer I sent was one of the humblest I have ever prayed. I prayed that the Lord would come and be with me in that ambulance and throughout this trial and that He would take me in His arms and protect me. I told Him how scared I was of being alone, but how I found comfort in knowing His presence was with me. I asked for Him to be with me and opened my heart to Him, and resigned that what would be, would be and I needed to let myself trust in the Lord.

But I longed for someone, anyone to be with me. I prayed that He would send me a sign to know He was there. I needed at that moment more than ever to Know he was there, for then I would know that no matter what, that I could rest easy.

All of this was done in a silent prayer, but never before have I been so astounded. I do not know who exactly it was that I saw, but after reflecting on it, it had to have been Him. I remember opening my eyes after praying to see a hazy figure standing at my feet. I met His gaze and He smiled and immediately comfort washed through me, and I knew it was going to be okay. I must've made some kind of noise the EMT didn't like b/c he came over and asked if I was hurting, which a dull ach was settling in, so I said it was a little uncomfortable. That started the morphine, which did not feel good at all, I thought I was having a heart attack which was really kinda scary to me. I didn't understand, and thought I was reacting, but I was assured it was fine and was given another dose..so scary, but I swear there was someone there holding my hand the entire time. I felt safe. The next 6 hours were hell. But still, I feel like God was truly with me and watching over me. I do not think for one second He ever left my side. He was physically there with me, even after my family got there. I never was alone like I thought. I had a whole slew of additions to my family out in the waiting room. Kayla was right there with me the entire time. I don't think she'll ever understand how much that meant to me. She tried so hard to make me laugh and keep me going while she was struggling herself. Everyone on the farm was there, Chris and Joss were on they're way back, Katie was there within 2 hours, Joel M and Joel B were two of the first people there, (I remember being so embarrassed to meet them like I was), lots of animal sciences were there, my parents got there a little later on after flying up the interstate. It was crazy and overwhelming how many people, some I didn't know, or others I hardly knew, were there for me and continue to be there. For some time, even the paramedics and police officers stayed and wished me well. We are never truly alone. Ever. There will always be someone. And if the feeling ever gets overwhelming, God is there. And He loves you more than you could imagine. He will be there when no one else is, and believe me, there is no greater feeling in the world. It's a comfort no words can describe, but it is nothing short of amazing.