Demons from the Past, My Old Friends, My How Long it’s Been

So I always was thankful old issues of the chronic sort hadn't reappeared and I'd enjoyed two years free of them, well for the most part...my Migraines have occasionally reared their ugly heads, and viciously too. However the thing I was most thankful to have not reappeared was my side pain from my torn diaphragm back in 2005...an injury never to heal due to continued use involuntarily.

Well, yesterday she came back full force along with a migraine from hell and another bout of nerve pain. Although I wanted to, I did not curse my luck, I've accepted things I cannot change, and the new development, while unexpected, wasn't all that much of a surprise. I'd been thinking about it a couple days ago.

At least the nerve pain seems to cycle now, my arm will intermittedly go numb then roar back to life, accompanied now by a nice little spasm of my diaphragm. I have realized I will probably not be able to follow my initial dreams. And to be quite honest, it's hard to not see this as the ultimate failure. I never had a plan B, so I find myself resenting other options and suggestions and the decisions I'm making.

I'm growing bitter and distant, back to resorting to smiling while saying "I'm fine, doing better." Getting stronger is making me weaker, I hated this part of who I used to be and I'm back to that point. I'm tired of worrying those I love and causing them pain. I know they don't believe me, but they'll pretend they do, and I'll pretend too. It's easier that way. God will see me through, there's a reason for everything, and to have faith is my Light in the dark. Sorry to be so depressing of late, lotta life choices have changed, I'm not sure of any of them, some I don't want at all, others I don't think I'm ready for and terrify me, nor do I feel free in making them. Also, not having an escape is making my mood rather sour and poor, I'm sick of me, and the sensation of it all is maddening, my sanity is definitely not like it could be.