Glory to God, I Sing Him Praises with All of My Heart

I have been in prayer for quite some time, trying to figure out things that I did not have an answer to, or really even knowing the question.

But I have to say, listening to it now, Casting Crowns "Already There" is so full of truth. I always get transfixed by the lines "all the chaos comes together, like a masterpiece, in Your picture perfect hands," and "one day I'll stand before You, and look back on the life I've lived, I can't wait to enjoy the view, and see how all the pieces fit."

And it's so true, He's already there.

I am just alive right now, I feel like a huge weight has been lifted. I have been blessed with a moment of insightfulness that has been sitting in front of me for some time. I feel I need to shout it from the rooftops and proclaim the Glory of the Lord and the love He has for us! And oh how Good He is!

For some time, the last few days especially, I've been asking myself "why?" You know, why didn't things work out for me at UF? Why did it all fall royally to pieces? Why did no one help me when I asked for advice? Instead, their 'advice' hurt me further and hindered my growth. Why am I such a failure at some things, or why is it when everything is going great, it falls spectacularly to pieces? You know, I had my dream school, my dream field, my plans for how to get there had worked out perfectly, like clockwork, things fell into place and I had everything I had ever wanted in life. I was a Gator, I was on my way to vet school, I had amazing scholarships, I had the perfect schedule for my first semester, I had an awesome job, I was loving it....I was deeply perplexed, and of course, there were no answers, nothing to find. And in the face of thinking of applying to new schools and starting back again, my restless heart and soul growing anxious and begging me to move. I've also been praying for guidance as to if I am supposed to move, or to have patience to be patient and still if that is what I am to do.

But standing there at the kitchen sink this morning, not too long ago, holding my last pan to put in the drying rack, lost deep in thought and prayer with things I couldn't find words to ask, or know what to ask, and a weight in my heart for my family to know for certain how amazing a God we have and to find what I've found, I mean really find it, and it hit me like a ton of bricks, crashed down upon me like a landslide, then the weight was lifted, the tears flowed down my face, my spirit soared, and a smile came to my lips that I couldn't stop...and I knew WHY. I know now that it's been there the entire time, He was just waiting for me to find it. And when it hit me, I was humbled, and I prayed "Father forgive me." It wasn't hidden, maybe hidden in plain sight, but I was truly blinded to it.

My WHY is something so simple. He used all this to show me that I can have everything my heart desires, and still not be happy. Every piece of my dreams can fall perfectly in place, but I still wasn't happy.

Twice this has happened to me. I had my "lists" as I called them...because they were. I've had two lists in my life so far, one was what I thought I wanted in a man, and I wasn't going to have a relationship if they didn't match up to my list. Long story short... I found someone that fit my list perfectly, had every qualifying characteristic and more, to my eyes, according to my 'list' he was 'perfect.' Long story short, all that glitters is not gold. I had turned away from a really close relationship I'd had with the Lord for this guy, I still believed, but He was no longer my top priority, and I had less and less time for Him. Anyway, my 'perfect' guy turned out to be a huge player, a liar, and hurt me repeatedly emotionally, and I let him, thinking things would turn around, after all, he was the embodiment of my list...so he had to be right for me....WRONG. I decided my list for a man was a stupid vain thing. I had everything I wanted in a guy, but I was miserable for the two years I tried to make things work out. My other list wasn't so vain, it was a checklist of everything I had to achieve in order to achieve my dream and goal of being a vet and the time I had to have each step by, grades I had to keep, classes to take, places to work/volunteer, things I had to know, people I had to contact, financial aid I needed to have and how much to support me and my two horses through twelve years of college to specialize.

I worked hard, and with the Lord's help, down to the very last detail came into place perfectly. I received every piece of financial aid and more, I was 4th in my class, tied for 3rd, I got a job for the Equine Sciences Center in Ocala and could bring my horses, I had a dream schedule my friends were envious of. I had a good advisor who had experience in my track, was set up to start helping in a study....I was back close to God, and happier then I'd ever been...everything was perfect...that lasted a whole week. Then, August 21, 2010, came along...and that all got turned upside down... But I came back and pushed on. Soon I was over my head, the advice my new advisors gave me ended up hurting me more than I ever imagined, and I was getting further and further in trouble school-wise.

But I was still a Gator...still supposedly on track, still had all my scholarships, still had an awesome job that I loved, still had my horses with me, had 'great friends' up there...

But things started to change. Most of my 'friends' true colors came out, my bosses true colors came out, I started having medical issues... the pain came, then the surgeries, the extended hospital visits, my horses were taken away from me, I was going to have to move, but the apartments and condos kept falling through, my school started falling through when my financial aid was cut because I was married, my medical reasons started failing when treatment stopped working and my CRPS started spreading rapidly... So I took a leap of faith and left the comfort of everything I knew, moved out to North Dakota and Montana to be with Wesley and haven't regretted it one moment.

Why did all this happen? To show me that even if i have everything my heart desires, I wont be happy unless I've entrusted everything I have to the Lord. I threw out my lists, and I couldn't be more amazed at how perfect my every day is. I trusted God and I have the most amazing man I could ever imagine as my husband, so much better than what my list ever would've been. I have a remarkable church family and newly started small group, that I love. I have the best family and we've become even closer than we've ever been. I have the most amazing job working for Sandhill Performance Horses, such great people that have become more than friends, they've become family. I've got amazing friends that are always there if needed and are family as well. And Wesley and I have a wonderful pup from Sandhill Border Collies that we love dearly. I trusted God and I have everything that matters in my life, everything I've really ever wanted. And I have a pretty fair chance of going to an amazing school where I fit so much better and I'm excited to apply to. I know I never again want to believe I can't trust the Lord with my absolute everything. He has it all, it is all His anyway. He is my heart. He can make anything beautiful! And nothing is impossible for Him :) Oh, and my arm had been aching for some time now, non-stop, really annoying, not necessarily painful...but this morning when it hit me and I prayed for forgiveness, I felt a coolness in my arm, the tension and ache throughout my arm is gone and my feeling is returned to normal, no dullness! How GREAT is my God! A complete healing of my mind, body, and soul! So I thought I would share my insightful revelation today with you; The Lord will deliver the delights of your heart and your deepest desires and dreams, but you can have it all but never be truly happy unless God is the main part of the equation and you entrust it all back to Him. God Bless!