Oh What a Tangled Web We Weave

I've been horrible about keeping this blog, guess it's a good thing I don't blog for a living... My head is spinning in a million different directions, I thought I was decided on a few things and had at least a semblance of a game-plan, but now.... I just don't know...

I did something crazy and totally random yesterday, and I'm not sure how I feel about it, I applied to the Art Institute's Associate of Science in Photography degree program and am awaiting approval/admission...it seemed like a great idea, but then the thought of going back to school placed a weight and a longing in my heart, and an ache in my soul...I want to finish what I started. No, I NEED to finish what I started.

The past few weeks, some incredible people have been brought to my attention, people who are beating the odds and the critics telling them that they can't, proving to the world, nothing is holding them back, despite circumstances they're in, or things they've endured or gone through. All this seems to be coming to a head with my probing into possibly obtaining some sort of degree...and it's driving me CRAZY.

I've never quite come to be at peace with my decision to put down my pursuit of becoming a veterinarian, I haven't been able to just walk away.

And here these last few weeks, my heart is growing restless, and I'm wanting something...wanting to do something, make something of my life. Right now I'm a resident homebuilder, taking care of our home and our couple of business ventures, but everything I'm learning, while useful and definitely worth it, to me it's a chore; I'm interested in learning, because I have to, if not, our business will fail. It is not fun for me. There are aspects, yes, that I do enjoy and find incredibly interesting, but for the most part, it's gotta be forced. My job on the ranch piffered out at the beginning of December, for, well, I don't really know. They just haven't spoken to me since then, and I guess it's just awkward now, I harbor no hard feelings. I can't say I'm not a little hurt, especially the way things went the last few times I was out, I really wish I'd decked that smart-ass, derogatory mouth off of Coralee, but I respected my job to much to disrespect Gene and Melodie like that...but that's another story about that little twit. But here these last couple of days, I have the strongest desire to go back to school for my biology degree and go on to apply for veterinary school. Even if I don't get accepted, at least then I'd know for 100% certain that it wasn't meant to be. There's a little part of me I guess that wonders if I haven't given in to all the voices in the past that would tell me "you can't," or "you shouldn't", even though I heard "I can" and "I could," perhaps they've slowly eaten away my resolve and in my own little safety net of comfort, the fear of getting hurt has my soul tethered and tied down, beaten into a fearful submission, much like an abused colt.

I just don't know if not trying to make my dream a reality is a regret I can live with. I heard how lame I sounded talking to the academic advisors at AI about what my previous college experience was.. "I went to school for two and a half years at UF majoring in Animal Biology with a minor in Equine Science studying to become a large animal/equine veterinarian, then had an accident, was forced to withdrawal due to health complications, spent the last two years trying to figure out what I wanted to do instead, and now I'm looking at this photography program..." I mean REALLY? that sounds totally lame. If that's not letting this get the best of me, I don't know what is. I feel like such a bum whenever folks ask me about what I did/do. I guess I just needed to vent/unload my thoughts. I'm not sure. So many things whirling and swirling around.