Still Haven’t Managed to Forgive the Most Important Person…Myself

So I had this thought yesterday, but wasn't where I could jot it down, but I found it highly intriguing that in the past year, my life has come full circle to where it was last year. Looking back it is hard to believe that on this day last year, I was happy about another great day in the Okeechobee Cowpens and excited to be moving into my new home at the Equine Science Center in Ocala, an opportunity I was blessed to have received. While at the same time, I was fretting over a lease I had signed on an apartment that potentially would not let me out. After receiving a fraudulent check and almost being in an investigation plot of the FBI, I was over trying to find someone to sublease. All in all, a part of my life was coming to a close, a new one beginning.

Now I find myself in a similar spot. August 4th, tomorrow, marks the end of my fall classes, Last year, it marked the end of my time in the Cowpens for some time, a sad, but very memorable day. At the time, the slot for living accommodations had just reopened and by chance I was invited into the family. Now, due to circumstances on the farm, a position here at the house has opened back up again. Strange coincidences. Made me start to wonder if things would be as they are if I had kept my lease and the position here had not been reopened. I started to think of how things would've turned out. I wouldn't have failed my first semester and been skating on thin ice into summer and worrying over whether or not I'd be able to return in the fall, or if I'd loose my scholarships I'd worked for the past 8 years to get. I got to thinking on this tangent and for a brief moment I was lost in a world of great things that could've been. After all, events would've most likely turned out the way they did here, and the position would be open, and I would be able to fill it anyway. It would have been perfect, none of this would've happened if I'd stayed in the lease.... WRONG.

I would have still been working that Saturday. Still would have done everything that I did, only not at my home. Just at work. See, it all really boils down to that conscious decision that I made to go against everything I knew, although my gut told me otherwise. One decision. Oh how that one decision has effected my life.

But not all of it was for the worse. After all, I've had many amazing opportunities grace my life along with many wonderful and amazing people. I have become stronger in my faith and have realized what is really important in life. Not to mention, if the whole thing never happened, I'd have not gotten sick of rejection after rejection after learning that most people couldn't accept me as myself. Instead all they saw when they looked at me after hearing about it was the scars and disfigurement left behind. And while confident and comfortable with myself, after a while, it does begin to eat at you, and you begin to wonder if there's anyone that would ever be able to see through it and see that you're still a human being. Which led to my eHarmony account. My curiosity to see if there was a guy out there who could see past everything and see me. Disheartening at first. Then Wes came along. Quite a surprise to me the whole thing, because neither of us was looking for anything, just trying to see if there was someone genuine out there. Both dealing with hurt, just in different ways. By talking, we've helped each other heal. We've been together now for three months and it doesn't seem possible. But the Lord works in mysterious ways.

It's been nice to have a companion to share life with. There are some things that you just can't share with most people. I myself don't trust too many people with my innermost thoughts and feelings. There have been times I've showed parts of myself to Wes that my family has not seen in years. Much to my surprise, he's still around. He's seen me at my absolute worst and been there for me through the best. I can honestly say, no one, other than the Lord, could make me happier. In the past year, I've been to hell and back and struggled with things I hope no one ever has to. At times I wanted to hang my head and say "why bother." There are times I still do, I wont lie. Some days are hard. There are times getting up out of bed is more than I want to do. There are days when the pain makes me want to cry. And there are days where people frustrate me so and I wish I could knock them a good one. But through it all, I have the support of my family and friends. It hasn't been all bad. Each day is a miracle, a gift from God. However, in all this reflecting, I realized that no one can escape fate. Regardless, things would have turned out as they did. All external factors had nothing to do with it. All said and done, it comes down to one decision, one choice, one mistake. And unlike others, there is no remedy. Somehow, I have managed to forgive everyone...everyone except for myself.

I cannot help but dwell on the choice I made. It is so clear. It throws itself in my face every time I drive past that spot, every time I see moss hanging down from a branch in a tree, every time a horse spooks...it all comes back way too easily.

In the end, it doesn't make much difference. I have to live with the choices I've made, and I can't live with myself most days. Makes one realize how detrimental "what ifs" can be. But it struck me as odd, and all too ironic, that my life had come full circle. I couldn't help but wonder...it was nice to envision the possibilities... Would I change it if I could? No.

I may not know the reason, but I assure you that everything does happen for a reason. Does no good to ask why, you just have to make the most of it and run with it. One day, I know I will forgive myself, I do not know when, but I will.

As for now, Finals are calling me back to my books. Just had to jot these thoughts down.