Time Marches On

I was tickled to realize that one year ago today I had my stitches removed.

It was also really the first time I got to have a good look at my 'hand' after the accident. Every line, every contour, a shock.

Sometimes it still is a shock. Sometimes I have moments where I'll 'hide' my hand from myself in my pocket or something. Those are fewer and farther between now. I've come so far from where I was this time last year, kind of exhausting thinking about it really. I would have never imagined I'd be so far.

However, I had a bit of a rude awakening a few days ago, Monday, I believe. Labor day. We were all gathered down in a paddock to watch a friend of ours work a few of our mares. Some which had not been ridden in years, if at all. All was going well, everyone was excited...but a storm was brewing off in the distance to the west.

I was helping to hold the first mare, who was acting a little skittish, as she was tacked up. Just as the saddle was to be put on, my boss radioed to say that we were about to get hit with rain, and sure enough, within minutes, the heavens opened up. Not so great for this mare. She started to freak out, throwing her head up/ Meanwhile, I was attempting to calm her so as to get the halter off. Finally, my boss yells out to just take the lead off and let her go.

After a while, the rain stopped and we continued where we'd left off. However, this mare is still skittish. Well we got the pad on, and as my friend was reaching for the saddle, my radio starts to crackle, causing the mare to start sidestepping and dancing around...stepping square in the middle of the leather cinch strap, catching her foot.

Both my friend and I realize what has happened and he attempted to grab her foot to free her, however, the attempt just served to send her over the deep end and she starts flying backward, the rope sliding through my hands.

In that moment, I lost it. I became so utterly engulfed in fear. I was caught up in a flashback, back to the cab of the truck, the sights, the sounds, everything..so vivid, so clear, so horrifying. The feelings, the thoughts, everything. My whole body was seized in that moment of panic and horror at the realization that I could not get free and hearing the words "LET GO!" over and over again. For a split second I relived my worst nightmare. Only this time was different, I let go.

Which was precisely the WRONG thing to do at the time. See, when I let go, the mare still had her foot caught in the cinch. She tore off across the pasture, dragging the saddle and trailing the lead. She ended up kicking the saddle off, snapping the cinch, which, in turn, broke the saddle. I could have held her.

It wouldn't have been that hard. She had almost stopped...but I let her go. I was so terrified that all normal senses ceased, and terror dictated my every move.

I was shaking so badly that I could barely walk normal. It took about 20-30 minutes for the tremors to stop. In the meantime, I couldn't help but feel like such a retard. I was so embarrassed and ashamed of myself. I wanted to just go and hide away. I couldn't believe that it had hit me like that, especially not as completely.

Memories I'd fought to repress surfaced like it had just occurred the day before. I wanted to cry and fought back tears I was afraid I'd not be able to quell. Time marches on, I've come so far, but I still have a long way to go.