Uncharted

Well, I thought I might have been overly blessed and been lucky enough to skip over that whole mess of a state of a type of mourning or despair. I was told it'd happen sooner or later by the psychiatrists at the hospital when I was told I was abnormal for being so cheerful and optimistic. So they foretold that this would happen eventually. I'm still going to hold out in the hopes that stress is just making my life the way it is right now. The past week and a half has been a living hell. I'd swear if it wasn't already gone, I would have gladly cut my own hand off...somehow the thought only seems tantalizing, and totally messed up. It also doesn't help matters that I went and got all curious (I swear it's going to kill me one day), and googled my accident, rather articles from my accident. UF was good and blocked all googling of my name from showing up articles, but if you look up 'UF horse accident," I span about 8 pages. 8 pages of misconstrued, misrepresented, and completely false articles and forums full of hateful and insincere people. I have to send silent thanks to the few individuals that back me and have defended me. There's no way I can ever thank them.

Needless to say, Wes got quite the shock to come around the corner of the kitchen to find me trying very hard not to cry. I might have succeeded if he hadn't asked what was wrong...instead, I began to bawl my eyes out. I'd thought by now I'd be strong enough to look at what had brought me so far down when they first appeared almost a year ago. I was wrong. I could look at the articles, but as soon as the forums started, that was another story. I don't think Wes had expected the content of what was on there, I couldn't myself. He held me as I cried for a little over an hour. The dinner I'd tried to make perfect ended up burnt.

All my intent had been was to show Linda, who is in charge of my news release, why I am so cautious about media involvement and any type of coverage of the actual accident. I personally cannot take another misinterpreted hit like that. And I definitely don't want my family and friends to go through that again either. All it made me do was want to call everything off, I'm still not 100% certain of what I'm doing.

To make matters worse, my nerve pain has gotten substantially worse. I finally took my meds tonight just to get an hour or two of relief. Before that I'd had exams pending and did not want to risk my grades. Now I've got a few days before my next one and only a quiz in precalc tomorrow. Even now, it's not helping much. I've been praying like crazy and have found myself on my knees many times this week. I've cried many times and know I'll cry many times more. I feel horrible as I've been telling Wes everything, but he has been right there for me, even though he's half a country away. He's been encouraging me on and been offering up prayers for him and I. I don't know why it's so easy to share with him what I'd rather hide. But I am ever thankful for his support and encouragement. I find comfort in his embrace, and surprisingly do not hurt near as bad whenever he's around. Divine blessing for sure. Well, guess that's it for tonight, my meds are making me feel like crap (what's new...really makes me look forward to these little acts of desperation). I'll head off and maybe have something positive for my next entry.

Oh...positive note for this entry: I have my flights booked for MT/ND to go up and see Wes and his family. I am super excited, not just to meet everyone, but also because I've always wanted to go there.